Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Monday Rant (2 days late): Radio chatter

Sometimes, when I'm fantasizing about having lots and lots of money, I dream of buying a radio station and FIRING EVERYONE. I'd replace all the DJs, the producers, the station managers, everyone, with one bored part-time kid and a computer.

The computer's job would be to PLAY MUSIC. In those dreams where my money supply is finite, the computer also plays revenue-necessary advertising. The kid's job is to answer the phone, and say "no" to many, many people. "Can I make a request?" NO. "Can you play more (band or artist)?" NO. "Can you tell me about stuff happening?" NO. "Can you tell me a joke or a funny story?" NO. The kid's job would have exactly two responsibilities: making sure the computer doesn't crash, and saying NO to stupid people. The kid's job would explicitly FORBID any use of his or her voice on-air. Talk to the phone, kid, not into the mic. Hell, there might not be any mic at all, unless, in a pique of altruism, I installed one to comply with federal regulations for emergency broadcasts. The kid's would be allowed to talk into the mic in the event of major disaster - only!

The computer would play a vast variety of music - new, old, slightly-aged, whatever, using a single criterion for inclusion: I like it. Hell, I could even hire a second human, or a more-qualified kid, to choose music for the computer.

The computer would never play the same song more often than once per 24 hours. It has no taste, thus the computer never injects lame editorials into song intros or conclusions, stating an opinion about the artist, or some other random thought. The computer has no creativity and no sense of humour, so it never regales the listeners with tales of its own efforts or humorous anecdotes.

This would be a music station, playing music, just music. This radio format does not currently exist, as far as I am aware.

"But wait" you say "there are plenty of radio stations all over that play music! They claim to be all about the music!" BULLSHIT. How many times per hour does your local "music" station interupt with news, station identifiers, DJ blather, contests, or random call-ins proclaiming the station's virtues? Advertisments are the only acceptable interruptions to the music - a radio station is a business, and has to have revenue to continue operation. EVERYTHING ELSE IS A WASTE OF TIME!!!! You! Stupid DJ! SHUT UP! I care not a whit about your conversation three days ago with a local minor celebrity! I care nothing for your asstarded prank calls to blithering idiots! I want you to immediately cease your screeching laughter at painfully unfunny jokes! SILENCE! BLITHERING BROADCAST FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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